WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party’s long-awaited plan
on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, “We must make America
somewhere no one wants to live.”
Appearing
with House Speaker John Boehner, McConnell said that, in contrast
to President Obama’s “Band-Aid fixes,” the Republican plan would address
“the root cause of immigration, which is that the United States is, for
the most part, habitable.”
“For
years, immigrants have looked to America as a place where their
standard of living was bound to improve,” McConnell said. “We’re going
to change that.”
Boehner said that
the Republicans’ plan would reduce or eliminate “immigration magnets,”
such as the social safety net, public education, clean air, and
drinkable water.
The Speaker added that the plan would also include the repeal of Obamacare, calling healthcare “catnip for immigrants.”
Attempting,
perhaps, to tamp down excitement about the plan, McConnell warned that
turning America into a dystopian hellhole that repels immigrants “won’t
happen overnight.”
“Our crumbling
infrastructure and soaring gun violence are a good start, but much work
still needs to be done,” he said. “When Americans start leaving the
country, we’ll know that we’re on the right track.”
In
closing, the two congressional leaders expressed pride in the
immigration plan, noting that Republicans had been working to make it
possible for the past thirty years.
No comments:
Post a Comment